Letter To You

For once, I do not know what to say.Everything is so messed up lately, my head hurts, my heart hurts, and the stress is killing me, literally. It’s making me so ill to the point I can’t eat without getting sick. I hate it. And I hate what you’ve done to me…It’s really not fair, I don’t know what you do to me that makes me act like this, I love you and loathe you at the same time, it’s so confusing, frustrating! I want it to stop, need it to stop…I want and need you, and I can’t have you. I made things so hard for you, I was jealous, bitchy, untrusting, but even though I’ve lost you I don’t actually regret it. You seem to have come so far, I don’t know if you actually have because I’ve no proof of the things you’ve been saying e.g. the meetings, but I like to believe it’s true... then at least I know that what we had was for nothing...I become a different person when I’m with you, someone I’m not sure I like very much... I become nasty, obnoxious, untrusting, I guess it’s everything we’ve been through, I can forgive but I can’t forget and it shows. But you can’t really blame me, can you?I did break up with you, but I didn’t give up or let go... but you did. And now that I know you don’t want me anymore makes me want you more than ever, I feel so let down. I wanted you to fight for me. You say we’ll still be friends but you don’t even bother texting, I kept texting you to see if you were alright, didn’t leave you alone, I worried... I wish you’d do the same. But I don’t want you to do what you always do, start now to make me feel better. Cause it doesn’t. You don’t actually want to; you just do it when I mention it because it’s what you should do...I’m not mad, I don’t hate you, I just feel let down again.But I am kind of mad at the fact that when I broke up with you, I didn’t think of getting with anyone else, cause I was worried about what it would do to you. But you’re not worried about me. You completely finished with me so you Could get with other people. I really had started to think you had changed. I’m just waiting for the day the rumours start that you’re back doing That with Her again…Just do me a favour. Don’t let me be the last to know again…I’ve said what I intended to say. I just wish things were different. I wish I’d been wrong about you…<3

Confusion. Lust. Hatred. Betrayal. Love?

Can life really get anymore fucked up than this?

Not a rhetorical question. I'm seriously asking :S

I need answers and I need them now before I do something majorly stupid...

Alone in the world, no friends to turn to.

Living a life, not knowing what to do.

At home dwells a life that's abusive.

Each day goes by, she wishes to not live.

Awaiting her death, and dreading tomorrow.

Her heart is filled with anger and sorrow.

Aware that people will treat her like dirt.

Nobody knows that she is truly hurt.

Believing that she is a waste of skin,

A battle she's fighting but cannot win.

Her life is impossible to abide.

Unable to take it, dying inside.

She's fed up with her life, prepared to die.

So she pulls the trigger and says goodbye.

Everything in my life is going from bad to worse and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel...It used to be there, but now it’s gone and there's no sign of it coming back..

It feels like the light I saw was another train coming towards me on the same tracks and I collided with it. It’s all just a big mess, and no one is coming to rescue me from the wreckage..

I was stupid enough to believe in love, and I was stupid enough to think I could forget. I can’t. I normally never give second chances, and now I'm giving a fourth chance to the person who has destroyed me on more than one occasion and it had taken me months to fix myself. I’ve been torn down and built back up repeatedly over the past two years, and I really don’t think I can handle it again. I feel like a sculpture being made by an amateur artist, and I keep getting messed up, tore down, re-moulded, only for him to realize I’m not perfect and start the cycle again. He’s never going to make me perfect. I never will be. I’ll never be close. So stop. Stop trying to make me out to be something I’m not. You call me beautiful. I’m not, I can show you a hundred girls who are beautiful and I cannot compare. You say I’m a good person, I’m not, I bitch and I hurt people and I fuck up. A lot.

I am not who you believe me to be nor am I the person you expect me to be. I am not her.

Fake Smile

She smiles, though her heart is dying,
and all she can do is keep on trying.
she tries to keep herself from hurt,
but her attempts never seem to work.
she picks herself up once again,
with not a single friend to help.
she keeps on walking with a smile,
but inside she thinks it's not worth the while.
she's got the world around her fooled,
she uses that smile as a tricky tool.
but hidden underneath the mask,
are so many questions left unasked.
so much heartache and so many tears,
all add up over the years.
one day this mask she wears will fade,
and they will see what HE made her into,
an innocent girl who loved a boy,
and all he did was take her joy,
he tricked her into giving up her heart,
and how it left her with an awful mark.
and as she walks by you don't even know,
of all the things she doesn't show.
will you reach out and wipe her tears,
or will her mask make your sight unclear?
for her fake smile is very strong,
and been practicing for very long,
without a person finding out.
about all her fears and all her doubts,
and know she simple sits and waits,
for someone to take his place,
to make her feel special once more...

This thing called living is so difficult. It’s unbearable. I hope and pray that there is something bigger beyond this world of ours, cause if not, what is the point? We’re born and its like a lottery, some win, they live good lives, live in good houses with good people and they get happiness, and some lose, they’re born into poverty, they don’t have people to care for them, they’re treated badly and moulded into bad people. And they’re judged, all because they didn’t get the winning ticket…

Well I thought I had a winning ticket, turns out my brother got the winning one and I didn’t. He was loved and cared for by our mother and father. They’re proud of him and his achievements. They love him even when he fucks up, he never felt the back of our fathers hand smacked across his backside with force, I on the other hand did. He never got the angry shouting screamed in his young face, he never got pushed aside while he takes the other out on day trips, and taught to drive , he was never told he was a mistake. He never got the mental scars that are in my head today and he doesn’t have the physical scars that the mental ones caused. He doesn’t wake up everyday wishing his life had just been a nightmare.

I do.

And then, Theres him, that one guy on my mind...

I loved him. Still do. Haven’t stopped since day one. Haven’t stopped since he broke my heart the first time. Or the second. Or the third. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself. I don’t believe he can change…but the others do.. So if they believe it, I think I should give it one last shot. Who knows, maybe he could make me happy and keep me happy…

The truth is, I don’t want to love you, I want you to turn around and walk away, but I know I wouldn’t let you do that.. I hate you, with almost every ounce of me, but I love you just that bit more.. And I can’t stand it, It makes me hurt me, it makes me hurt others, your trying now, giving up things, but you have no idea of all the things and all the people ive given up for you. This is the last chance you’ll ever have with me, you may not believe it cause I keep letting you come back, but believe me, if this is all just a joke to you, there will b nothing left of me to come back to…

I don't understand all of this backstabbing crap.

Friends should be Friends and Enemies should be Enemies. Fact.

But that's not how life goes is it?

People we think we can trust, and people we grow to care about, can turn around and in one night destroy everything that the two of ye have built up to be your friendship.

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, But words can Kill.

People these days use their words as a weapon, as a knife, that can be dug into someones back, someone who trusted you enough to have their back turned towards you.

I thought I had found safety and security when I found my group of friends, instead I found lies, and false hope. Only in a few friends have I found what I originally set out to find and in those people I am oh so grateful.

People lie, and people hurt others to make themselves feel better.

Its the way of life I guess, I just wish it was different.

I wont deny that I've bitched and hurt others but I am human.

Im also one of those people who I wish were different.

I want to change but, how can I with the influences I have around me?

The moral of this blog?

Lifes a bitch, and people lie,

So fuck all those people and pray they die =/

Maybe the next generation wont be as fucked up, but with this influence we have now?

I dont think the next generation have a chance...