Can life really get anymore fucked up than this?
Not a rhetorical question. I'm seriously asking :S
I need answers and I need them now before I do something majorly stupid...
Everything in my life is going from bad to worse and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel...It used to be there, but now it’s gone and there's no sign of it coming back..
It feels like the light I saw was another train coming towards me on the same tracks and I collided with it. It’s all just a big mess, and no one is coming to rescue me from the wreckage..
I was stupid enough to believe in love, and I was stupid enough to think I could forget. I can’t. I normally never give second chances, and now I'm giving a fourth chance to the person who has destroyed me on more than one occasion and it had taken me months to fix myself. I’ve been torn down and built back up repeatedly over the past two years, and I really don’t think I can handle it again. I feel like a sculpture being made by an amateur artist, and I keep getting messed up, tore down, re-moulded, only for him to realize I’m not perfect and start the cycle again. He’s never going to make me perfect. I never will be. I’ll never be close. So stop. Stop trying to make me out to be something I’m not. You call me beautiful. I’m not, I can show you a hundred girls who are beautiful and I cannot compare. You say I’m a good person, I’m not, I bitch and I hurt people and I fuck up. A lot.
I am not who you believe me to be nor am I the person you expect me to be. I am not her.
Fake Smile
She smiles, though her heart is dying,
and all she can do is keep on trying.
she tries to keep herself from hurt,
but her attempts never seem to work.
she picks herself up once again,
with not a single friend to help.
she keeps on walking with a smile,
but inside she thinks it's not worth the while.
she's got the world around her fooled,
she uses that smile as a tricky tool.
but hidden underneath the mask,
are so many questions left unasked.
so much heartache and so many tears,
all add up over the years.
one day this mask she wears will fade,
and they will see what HE made her into,
an innocent girl who loved a boy,
and all he did was take her joy,
he tricked her into giving up her heart,
and how it left her with an awful mark.
and as she walks by you don't even know,
of all the things she doesn't show.
will you reach out and wipe her tears,
or will her mask make your sight unclear?
for her fake smile is very strong,
and been practicing for very long,
without a person finding out.
about all her fears and all her doubts,
and know she simple sits and waits,
for someone to take his place,
to make her feel special once more...
This thing called living is so difficult. It’s unbearable. I hope and pray that there is something bigger beyond this world of ours, cause if not, what is the point? We’re born and its like a lottery, some win, they live good lives, live in good houses with good people and they get happiness, and some lose, they’re born into poverty, they don’t have people to care for them, they’re treated badly and moulded into bad people. And they’re judged, all because they didn’t get the winning ticket…
Well I thought I had a winning ticket, turns out my brother got the winning one and I didn’t. He was loved and cared for by our mother and father. They’re proud of him and his achievements. They love him even when he fucks up, he never felt the back of our fathers hand smacked across his backside with force, I on the other hand did. He never got the angry shouting screamed in his young face, he never got pushed aside while he takes the other out on day trips, and taught to drive , he was never told he was a mistake. He never got the mental scars that are in my head today and he doesn’t have the physical scars that the mental ones caused. He doesn’t wake up everyday wishing his life had just been a nightmare.
I do.
And then, Theres him, that one guy on my mind...
I loved him. Still do. Haven’t stopped since day one. Haven’t stopped since he broke my heart the first time. Or the second. Or the third. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself. I don’t believe he can change…but the others do.. So if they believe it, I think I should give it one last shot. Who knows, maybe he could make me happy and keep me happy…
The truth is, I don’t want to love you, I want you to turn around and walk away, but I know I wouldn’t let you do that.. I hate you, with almost every ounce of me, but I love you just that bit more.. And I can’t stand it, It makes me hurt me, it makes me hurt others, your trying now, giving up things, but you have no idea of all the things and all the people ive given up for you. This is the last chance you’ll ever have with me, you may not believe it cause I keep letting you come back, but believe me, if this is all just a joke to you, there will b nothing left of me to come back to…
