Letter To You

For once, I do not know what to say.Everything is so messed up lately, my head hurts, my heart hurts, and the stress is killing me, literally. It’s making me so ill to the point I can’t eat without getting sick. I hate it. And I hate what you’ve done to me…It’s really not fair, I don’t know what you do to me that makes me act like this, I love you and loathe you at the same time, it’s so confusing, frustrating! I want it to stop, need it to stop…I want and need you, and I can’t have you. I made things so hard for you, I was jealous, bitchy, untrusting, but even though I’ve lost you I don’t actually regret it. You seem to have come so far, I don’t know if you actually have because I’ve no proof of the things you’ve been saying e.g. the meetings, but I like to believe it’s true... then at least I know that what we had was for nothing...I become a different person when I’m with you, someone I’m not sure I like very much... I become nasty, obnoxious, untrusting, I guess it’s everything we’ve been through, I can forgive but I can’t forget and it shows. But you can’t really blame me, can you?I did break up with you, but I didn’t give up or let go... but you did. And now that I know you don’t want me anymore makes me want you more than ever, I feel so let down. I wanted you to fight for me. You say we’ll still be friends but you don’t even bother texting, I kept texting you to see if you were alright, didn’t leave you alone, I worried... I wish you’d do the same. But I don’t want you to do what you always do, start now to make me feel better. Cause it doesn’t. You don’t actually want to; you just do it when I mention it because it’s what you should do...I’m not mad, I don’t hate you, I just feel let down again.But I am kind of mad at the fact that when I broke up with you, I didn’t think of getting with anyone else, cause I was worried about what it would do to you. But you’re not worried about me. You completely finished with me so you Could get with other people. I really had started to think you had changed. I’m just waiting for the day the rumours start that you’re back doing That with Her again…Just do me a favour. Don’t let me be the last to know again…I’ve said what I intended to say. I just wish things were different. I wish I’d been wrong about you…<3

Confusion. Lust. Hatred. Betrayal. Love?

Can life really get anymore fucked up than this?

Not a rhetorical question. I'm seriously asking :S

I need answers and I need them now before I do something majorly stupid...

Alone in the world, no friends to turn to.

Living a life, not knowing what to do.

At home dwells a life that's abusive.

Each day goes by, she wishes to not live.

Awaiting her death, and dreading tomorrow.

Her heart is filled with anger and sorrow.

Aware that people will treat her like dirt.

Nobody knows that she is truly hurt.

Believing that she is a waste of skin,

A battle she's fighting but cannot win.

Her life is impossible to abide.

Unable to take it, dying inside.

She's fed up with her life, prepared to die.

So she pulls the trigger and says goodbye.

Everything in my life is going from bad to worse and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel...It used to be there, but now it’s gone and there's no sign of it coming back..

It feels like the light I saw was another train coming towards me on the same tracks and I collided with it. It’s all just a big mess, and no one is coming to rescue me from the wreckage..

I was stupid enough to believe in love, and I was stupid enough to think I could forget. I can’t. I normally never give second chances, and now I'm giving a fourth chance to the person who has destroyed me on more than one occasion and it had taken me months to fix myself. I’ve been torn down and built back up repeatedly over the past two years, and I really don’t think I can handle it again. I feel like a sculpture being made by an amateur artist, and I keep getting messed up, tore down, re-moulded, only for him to realize I’m not perfect and start the cycle again. He’s never going to make me perfect. I never will be. I’ll never be close. So stop. Stop trying to make me out to be something I’m not. You call me beautiful. I’m not, I can show you a hundred girls who are beautiful and I cannot compare. You say I’m a good person, I’m not, I bitch and I hurt people and I fuck up. A lot.

I am not who you believe me to be nor am I the person you expect me to be. I am not her.

Fake Smile

She smiles, though her heart is dying,
and all she can do is keep on trying.
she tries to keep herself from hurt,
but her attempts never seem to work.
she picks herself up once again,
with not a single friend to help.
she keeps on walking with a smile,
but inside she thinks it's not worth the while.
she's got the world around her fooled,
she uses that smile as a tricky tool.
but hidden underneath the mask,
are so many questions left unasked.
so much heartache and so many tears,
all add up over the years.
one day this mask she wears will fade,
and they will see what HE made her into,
an innocent girl who loved a boy,
and all he did was take her joy,
he tricked her into giving up her heart,
and how it left her with an awful mark.
and as she walks by you don't even know,
of all the things she doesn't show.
will you reach out and wipe her tears,
or will her mask make your sight unclear?
for her fake smile is very strong,
and been practicing for very long,
without a person finding out.
about all her fears and all her doubts,
and know she simple sits and waits,
for someone to take his place,
to make her feel special once more...

This thing called living is so difficult. It’s unbearable. I hope and pray that there is something bigger beyond this world of ours, cause if not, what is the point? We’re born and its like a lottery, some win, they live good lives, live in good houses with good people and they get happiness, and some lose, they’re born into poverty, they don’t have people to care for them, they’re treated badly and moulded into bad people. And they’re judged, all because they didn’t get the winning ticket…

Well I thought I had a winning ticket, turns out my brother got the winning one and I didn’t. He was loved and cared for by our mother and father. They’re proud of him and his achievements. They love him even when he fucks up, he never felt the back of our fathers hand smacked across his backside with force, I on the other hand did. He never got the angry shouting screamed in his young face, he never got pushed aside while he takes the other out on day trips, and taught to drive , he was never told he was a mistake. He never got the mental scars that are in my head today and he doesn’t have the physical scars that the mental ones caused. He doesn’t wake up everyday wishing his life had just been a nightmare.

I do.

And then, Theres him, that one guy on my mind...

I loved him. Still do. Haven’t stopped since day one. Haven’t stopped since he broke my heart the first time. Or the second. Or the third. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself. I don’t believe he can change…but the others do.. So if they believe it, I think I should give it one last shot. Who knows, maybe he could make me happy and keep me happy…

The truth is, I don’t want to love you, I want you to turn around and walk away, but I know I wouldn’t let you do that.. I hate you, with almost every ounce of me, but I love you just that bit more.. And I can’t stand it, It makes me hurt me, it makes me hurt others, your trying now, giving up things, but you have no idea of all the things and all the people ive given up for you. This is the last chance you’ll ever have with me, you may not believe it cause I keep letting you come back, but believe me, if this is all just a joke to you, there will b nothing left of me to come back to…

I don't understand all of this backstabbing crap.

Friends should be Friends and Enemies should be Enemies. Fact.

But that's not how life goes is it?

People we think we can trust, and people we grow to care about, can turn around and in one night destroy everything that the two of ye have built up to be your friendship.

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, But words can Kill.

People these days use their words as a weapon, as a knife, that can be dug into someones back, someone who trusted you enough to have their back turned towards you.

I thought I had found safety and security when I found my group of friends, instead I found lies, and false hope. Only in a few friends have I found what I originally set out to find and in those people I am oh so grateful.

People lie, and people hurt others to make themselves feel better.

Its the way of life I guess, I just wish it was different.

I wont deny that I've bitched and hurt others but I am human.

Im also one of those people who I wish were different.

I want to change but, how can I with the influences I have around me?

The moral of this blog?

Lifes a bitch, and people lie,

So fuck all those people and pray they die =/

Maybe the next generation wont be as fucked up, but with this influence we have now?

I dont think the next generation have a chance...

Ello again,

Bored outta my brain here, sick atm :( Again :(
Im always bloody sick, grr!
Had a migrane for the past 3 days and its driving me up the wall, I shouldnt even be on the comp but I had to do somthing to save my sanity :P
Was supposed to hav 3 tests in school today but I didnt have to go in, woot ^.^ but I bet ill have to do them tomorrow...fan-fucking-tastic :P
Ms."Preggers for past 3 years" Greene will make me do it for definate, Fat bitch =//
Really cant stand that woman, she has it in for meh lol

Going Paintballing on Saturday, cant wait :) gona b savage, gonna hurt like hell, but it'll still b grrreat xD I think joining Ventures was one of my Fav/best decicions, i love it, met so many great people and loving my times in Celbridge, well most of em anyway xD

Was talking to Richie today on msn and He decided that he should get a mention, so here yuu go hunii:

You are one of my greatest friends and I miss yuu like crazy! Your all grown up now in college xD Your always there for me when I need you and although we fight like cat and dog we always make up in the end and have a great laugh, You Have to come up to Dublin as soon as you can, I need too see yuu you crazy fool xD but you cant critise my smoking when you do lol, just deal with it biotch xD But i refuse to go Hideout if you come up again ;) jk jk *Ouch my head* ahhhh good times, maybe, not so much haha jk, ily huni, happy with your Mention now?? xD

ily loads bud, Miss yuu!!

xXx

Not much more to say about today but if I think about anything else ill b back later to bitch/whine/rant/vent/happily write about it xD

Love You all, well most of you anyway,

Ciao

Cpt Saz

xXx

Im thinking of startin a new blog, this one is tainted :P

Decided to go celbridge today, and yano what? I had fun :) Alot actually, saw friends, walked ALOT and got to see my leezziie :)

Not much to write about today, cause frankly I cant b arsed, im tired and drinking tea and its making me sleepy >.<

Just thought I'd write a mini blog instead of my usual essay of a yoke, so yeah,
today was fun, im not hated by everyone and i have friends I can count on,
life is good,
ciao for now ;)
Peace out

The Captain ;)

xXx

Feud...Fun Fun

Cillian, Grow up ok

I didnt do this to start a war
I started a blog to finally fucking open up about some of the shit in my life.
Everyone knew what you did to me anyway so whats wrong with me writing it on this?
You never had to read my blog, you never had to pay attention to it but you chose to, but there was no need for the childish war you have started on this site.
You seem to think that you have done nothing wrong, you have never hurt anybody, ect.
But just think Cillian, for the sake of everyone and yourself, just fucking think of what you've done to people.
And dont you dare give out to me for bringing up your therepy on this, so many people have said to me that you've had therepy, so dont act like its some sorid little seceret. Everyone knew anyway ok?
And yes, I did self harm, but ive never hidden it, ive told many people and before you say it, it was not for attention seeking, people see the scars and I tell them as I am not ashamed, it made me a strong person, the person I am today, you mightn't like the person I am but I wasnt put on this Earth to please you. So deal with it yeah?

So just stop it ok, I was putting my feelings on My blog, no need to start a war.
Just end it ok?

Im not doing this for you or I, Im doing it because I will be out in celbridge, I will see my friends, I will be around you sometimes, no matter how much that annoys you its going to happen, because we share the same group of friends, im doing it for them.

So do you wanna be grown up and accept that?
just quits?

if not, fair enough, but all I can say is, I tried.



Cpt.Saz.

Got internet back today,
Should be happy but im not. Frankly because ive only been back on it half and hour an already ive read shit about me that makes me feel like shit.
The person who wrote it about me is a hypocritical, self involved low life who uses and abuses people and acts like the victim in it all.
I've been sick all week, feeling like crap and the last thing i needed was to log on to this and read shit written about me, espescially when ive done nothing wrong. I've done nothing against nobody yet im still being targetted by this arogant bully. He hurts alot of people and doesnt seem to care. He treats people like toys, gets bored with em after a while. and frankly everyone is sick of it. he says in his blog that one guy that shit happened with,( drunken mistake) was saying shit about me, well that was ONE person, he should hear the shit said about him constantly. By almost everyone in the group. He says in his blog that people should stop bitching and backstabbing on this site but he did it about me so ill do the fucking same.
He will probably read this and write another blog in retalliation and laugh at the things ive called him, but i only hope that it'll make him think of what a bully he really is and realise that he needs to change his selfish ways. He is doing to others what was done unto him and what put him into fucking therepy, if i was in his position i wouldnt try put other people through the shit i went through. So hopefully he'll grow up when he reads this, i highly doubt it but one can always hope.

Ok enough about him, Ive been back in school for a good while now, loving most of it, hatin the rest. The work isnt so bad, i hate the homework but im starting to do it, seeing my friends again is great, heading off to knocklyon 2mz with shonavich and niamhavich xD gonna be funn :) love seeing them in school again. its like old times only better, i hav my celbridge friends with my leixlipians and im pretty happy about it :) but yeah, hav to go 2 school and see Melissa, the person i hate in all of this world, hav to share my friends with her, have to listen to her irritating, whiney voice for an hour at LEAST everyday :( and even worse than that im being bullied in school again, but not by another student, by a fucking teacher, i hate that woman so much!! she picks on me and when i actually do well she accuses me of cheating, like WTF? she can shove her irish test up her fat little arse!! Strangely enough, Accounting has become one of my favourite classes, surprising huh? spending it with kerri, laughing our heads off and me actually enjoying the work im doing, i loike it xD
im not writing alot on school, gross. i was sick this week, alot. and missed loads of stuff going on in celbridge, loads of ppl broke up and ppl are fighting anfd its chaos and i dont know anything about whats going on >.< i need to know!!! people update mehhh!!!! Oh and Before i go i have to give a shout out to Georgia....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING
I LOVE YOU LOADS,
NEVER FORGET THAT,
MWAH,
xXx


Bye for now everbody,
hopefully things will be better in my next blog,
love you all,
ciao
X